Tales of Spira
by scarlettHuntress
Summary: My silly little oneshot of random events befalling our beloved characters. Featuring Sephiroth! But anyway, really stupid, really short. Please R&R.


Life Is Fickle In Spira Unless You're a Playable Character

Chapter 1 Of 1.

"Once again, thank you so much for performing the Sending, Lady Yuna." The Man humbly stated, tears in his eyes.

"It was my Duty. Even if it wasn't my job to do, I would have done it nonetheless. It hurts me to see the calamity caused by Si-" Her Heartfelt speech was cut off by Wakka's Loud Voice.

"A Fiend, Ya!"

A smallish shelled Fiend sat on some Rubble of broken houses, Armored Arm-flaps Raising slightly so the serrated edge was visible. Scare Tactics.

"Don't worry! This little Fiend is nothing!" Tidus stated fearlessly, hefting his light blue sword and running forward.

"TIDUS! Your Sword doesn't have piercing qualities!" Auron shouted after him, only in vain as the blonde boy was sent careening back towards them, having been hit on the Fiend's arm with a resounding THWACK only seconds before.

"Baka…" The Mysterious red-cloaked man muttered as Lulu cast a fire spell. The fiend Burnt to a crisp (sorry did I say burnt? I meant dissipated in a cloud of pyreflies, naturally :D!) . The two of them slowly wandered over to where the rest of the gang were leaning over Tidus. His eyes had been replaced by black X's.

"Pass me the Phoenix down….Please?" Yuna asked Auron Tentively. She was still a little scared of him, despite knowing him from an early age.

He wordlessly passed her the feather, which she used.

Tidus's eyes snapped open, and he jumped up, swinging the sword his father had given him (though Auron) in the air.

No doubt he'd of said "Where's that darned Fiend!" If he hadn't tripped over the Moogle Lulu had put down. He promptly fell into the water.

"Get out of that water, Ya! You can't walk off the walkway so get out of the water!"

Wakka hurredly pulled him out of the sea.

"Awww, no swimming?"

"And that's another thing. You can't even put your feet into the water on Besaid beach, Ya."

"But…. But… I was in the water when you found me!"

"Ya. But that's all the swimming you get."

Tidus's face was the physical represation of Upsetted….ness.

MEANWHILE!

"I had a Phoenix down you could have used, Yuna." Lulu Cradled her moogle, as if it actually had emotions. Which it didn't. I mean, It's a doll, right? Dolls are evil. My friend hayley collects them and…… yeah, sorry.

"Oh? I never see you put them into a bag. Where do you keep it?" Lulu took out the Phoenix down.

Yuna Fell over, while Auron nearly passed out.

"Uh… You know I think we can get you a bag here in Killika Lulu, Store your stuff in that!" Yuna managed to say.

"No, that's okay. I can store lots of things there. My moogles, for instance. Say, I have two Phoenix downs. Maybe Auron should take one, since he used his?" She held one out to the warrior.

"No-that's-okay-Lulu-you-keep-it-I'll-manage!" He blurted out, discreetly wiping away the sweat that was making it's way down his face.

"Okay." Lulu walked away, secretly smiling to herself. Damn, it was so funny making them squirm. Behind her, Yuna and Auron exchanged glances. She stored her MOOGLES in her CLEAVAGE?

LATER, ON THE MIHEN HIGHROAD! (Ladies and gentlemen, please use caps-lock with proper caution. :D)

"So.. I can only ride Chocobos here?" Tidus enquired

"Yup. Oh, you can ride them in the Calm-lands… I think… But ScarlettHuntress never found the Chocobo trainer it said she'd find on the walkthroughs she found online." The Man happily proclaimed.

"Oooook-kay…." He edged his Chocobo away from the man slightly. And do you know what? I waisted two hours looking for the Chocobo trainer! TWO HOURS! Can You FATHOM my annoyance when I realized that maybe the chocobo trainer WASN'T THERE? CAN YOU!

…Whooops :D

The Annoyed feminine voice coming from the heavens was interrupted by the sudden arrival of…

"Semour?" Tidus angrily growled. The Guado smiled eerily at him. Gods that guy creeps me out.

"Hello, Tidus! I've come to marry Yuna!" Tidus raised an eyebrow at his female companion.

"Are you going to marry him, Yuna?" He asked disbelievingly.

"Hm….. Ya know, I think I will! Just so I can kill him cos his dad told me to. He murdered his dad, you know. What an asshole! And also cos I want to wear a wedding dress before I die… and fly on Valefor! WHEE!" She seemed happy by the idea. "Oh yeah, but first…." She bopped the man over the head with her summoning staff.

"Owwie…" Complained Semour, rubbing his head.

"So, Semour…. Why do you want to marry her for?" Lulu enquired.

"Well, you know, the people of Spira needing a couple to look up to in these times of darkness, like Lady Yunalesca and her suitor yadda yadda yadda, but mainly because all the women reject me."

"Well, that's the smart choice." Auron grinned, not that you could see it.

"Hey!" He wasn't really annoyed as one would expect. People telling you the same thing over and over softens the blow. "So, Yuna, Let's go make with the marriage. And sex."

"What was that last bit?" Tidus growled.

"Well, we're gonna get married. It's natural for her to put out!"

"OOOOh Nonononononono." Yuna shook her head. "We have a M15 rating already, and that's without blood! Besides……" She started to sing into the head of her summoning staff….

"I'm Holding out for a Heeeee-r-MMph."

Lulu released her grip on the girl's face. "Enough of that. You can sing in the next game."

Tidus turned to face her, and angelic look on his face. It didn't fit at all. "That reminds me! Luuuuluu…. I was wondering….. how was it you were eight months pregnant yet still as skinny as hell?"

"First Tidus… that hasn't happened yet. How do you know?" Lulu rebuttled.

"When I died I went to happy happy land. The dancing Chobos told me the Fuuuuuuture!"

"Right. End of discussion- I have a really good corset. Satisfied?"

Tidus waggled his fingers in her face " THE FUUUUTURE I tell you!"

"Right. The future." She slapped him away.

"The Chocobos never warned me about that.." He sulked.

"Hellloooo? Kidnapping over here!" Semour waved desperately, Yuna slung over his shoulder.

"Keh, take her… if she's not gonna put out I don't want her." Tidus waved him away.

"HEY!" Yuna screamed. "I just said Semour wasn't gonna get some!"

"Keh To the power Infininty! All we get to do is make out a bit. And you're what, 17? TOTAAAL cocktease honey."

Yuna visibly fumed. Jumping off Semour's shoulder like he was nothing, she ran after the blondehaired boy with her staff.

"Cock!" Bonk went the staff off his empty skull. "Tease!" Bonk. "My!" Bonkity bonk. "ASS!" An audible crack could be heard. Yuna looked down at 'her love'. He was 'dead' again, eyes little black crosses. Only problem is his head had split in two.

"I think I broke him…" She whispered.

"Whaddaya know, his head is empty!" Wakka remarked, quickly adding "Ya.".

"HElllo! Yuna! Come over here so I can kidnap you!" Semour was getting more desperate, and was on the verge of tears.

"Semour?"

"Yes, Yuna honey?"

"Never call me Yuna honey again."

"Yes Yuna honey."

"You're pushing it."

He visibly quavered. The wrath of Yuna was widely known.

"I'm not coming with you. You're not even a good villan."

"WHAAA?"

"Oh come on! I mean , you're not cute, you have an okay hairdo but your clothes look like the lovechild of a bathrobe and ski gear and you never kill anyone."

"Clothes can have children? Daddy told me that the stork brought them."

Wakka scratched his head. "I'm confused… Ya…."

Yuna Poked her tounge out at the bad villan. "I have a better villan!" She waved her hand, and Sephiroth appeared.

Tidus somehow regained coincousness (no doubt somehow involving something Lulu pulled out of her cleavage) and walked up to the silver-haired maniac, and proceeded to poke Sephiroth in the stomach.

"You don't look so tough." He grinned up at the General, Who promptly killed him with one sweep of the Masemune (uhh… pretend I spelled that right!).

Yuna smiled smugly at Semour.

"See? Real villain!" She then collapsed next to Tidus's recently re-RE-killed corpse and bawled her mismatched eyes out.

Semour walked up to Sephiroth. "You're Pretty! Why don't YOU marry me instead of Yuna?"

The sword again whistled through the air, and Semour fell down, dead.

"Hmmm…" The General hmmed. "Time to cause general havoc and mayhem. I wonder if there's any aincent evils who can claim to be my mother and try to use me to destroy this planet?"

"Try Yunalesca, She's not evil, but is one heck of a bitch. She looks too young to be your mother, though." Yuna helpfully advised.

He nodded appreciation at the girl and wandered off, leaving Wakka and Lulu... Quickly narrowed down to just Lulu as she fried the annoying Besaid-ian.

Bloody wakka.

/AN/

Yo. This here is a little one-shot that I wrote out on a whim. I hate the title, though. Attack of total OOCness and randomness!

All of this was totally spontaneous, sans the starting idea.

Aaand here's a little outtake!

OUTTAKE…

Miroku: Well, you're a very pretty lady. Would you bear my children?

Sephiroth: I'm a Man.

Miroku: Really? You're still very pretty. My offer still stands.

Seph:………..

Seph: Why not. I have some time to burn.

Insert really hot yaoi scene here!

I was gonna put in this bit where Yuffie was telling Rikku to steal everyone's materia.. and Rikku'd be all.. oookay… okay… oookay I understand…. But what's material? And Yuffie'd be like…. -.-. Is it Yuffie? The ninja chic from FF7? And then maybe she'll steal a lightning marble and accidentally shock them both. And then Jessica Chew would come and kill Rikku.

Anyway, This is just Killing some time. I don't own anything. SAYONARA, BITCHES!

3 You all, ScarlettHuntress.


End file.
